The Clown & The Author
by Lord Stingdingdingdingdingworth
Summary: Buggy has finally figured out how to beat Luffy! By forcing an author to make a story where he wins!
1. Chapter 1

**The Clown & the Author**

**Welcome to my newest and possibly most confusing One Piece story yet! I came up with this a couple weeks ago. I thought "Why is an author never a villain?" but then I "That's a stupid question" but then I thought "But what if he didn't have a choice..." well I won't keep you from the story any longer, so read & enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I dont own one piece. I don't even own a working brain.**

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The Going Merry...

On the Going Merry Buggy had tied up the hole crew to a pole. "Hahahaha! You're all doomed!" laughed Buggy "You'll al have to sit here and watch as I drive you to a navy HQ! Then my crew will abandon you and steal your ship while the navy executes the lot of you! Alvida!"

"Yeah?" said Alvida from downstairs.

"Are we there yet?" asked Buggy. "Just about" said Alvida. "Exelent!" said Buggy "and now I- WHAT THE!"

Buggy looked back & saw that the whole crew was gone. "Where are they?" asked Buggy. "Right here" said Zoro as he slashed him in the face "Rubber Nose Slice!". Although Buggy can split apart and swords don't damage him, it still hurts to get slashed in the face. The crew battled and fought. In minutes the straw-hat crew won and were on their way with there ship while Buggy was left in the life boat with the rest of his crew. "We'll get them next time" said Buggy. "Attention pirates!" said a voice from a navy ship that was charging at them "You are all under arrest!" "Bail!" shouted Buggy as they jumped into the water.

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The Going Merry, midnight...

"You're doomed my straw hat foe!" said Buggy as he tied Luffy up with his own limbs "I'll drown you in the ocean while the rest of your crew is sleeping! While they sleep in their hammocks, you sleep with the fishes!" "Not likely" said Sanji as he kicked Buggy in the head. "WHAT THE HELL?" screamed Buggy. "Your acrobat and lion tamer were fighting and it woke me up" explained Sanji "Then I heard your voice upstairs so I decided to see what you were up to. And now... Red Hot Spicy Chillidog!" Sanji charged up and kicked Buggy's head right off. "I'll get you next tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!" screamed Buggy as he went flying away.

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The Going Merry...

Buggy had tied up Luffy and was loading a cannon with one of his speacal Buggy Balls. "And once I blast you into oblivion I'll-" then Buggy stopped and realized something.

"WHERE'S THE STRAWHAT!" screamed Buggy.

"I don't know" said Alvida, Cabaji and Mohji at the same time.

"Take this!" said Usopp as he jumped down from the lookout shot a exploding star at his face "Exploding Salsa Star!"

"IT BURNS!" screamed Buggy "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT EVEN _HE _GOT ME!"

"Gum Gum Blast!" shouted Luffy as he punched the whole circus crew into the distance. "DAMN IT!" screamed Buggy as the crew went flying away "I'll get you next... oh forget it!"

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Buggy's ship...

Buggy was sitting at his throne. "This time I've got the perfect plan!" said Buggy "All we have to do is... no wait, the reindeer can prevent that from happening with those rumble balls. Well we could... no, the swordsman could defeat me even if I could do that..." "Uh, sir" said Cabaji "What would you do if I said that you're an half-wit that couldn't come up with a plan to save his life?"

"I'd hang you" said Buggy. "Then forget I said it" said Cabaji.

"Buggy no offense but you're just not cut out for beating Luffy" said Alvida "You've failed at beating Luffy in over 180 stories"

"Wait a minute" said Buggy "Stories... that's it! I know exactly what to do!"

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Somewhere in Australia...

At a house somewhere in Australia, a 14 year old boy was typing up a story on his computer. "Then Chopper charged up to Buggy at horn point and knocked him right off the ship" said the boy as he typed up his story "I'll get you next tiiiiiiiiime! said Buggy as he went flying off. Ok this is looking pretty good so far. I'll just post it and then-" But he was cut off when he heard a strange noise outside.

"What the hell?" said the boy as he went outside to see what the commotion was. He walked down the driveway and saw a large ship with a clown, an acrobat, a lion tamer with a lion's mane, a gigantic lion & a slim sexy womon with a mace.

"Oh you're here for the costume party" said the boy "Um, we changed the location. Go down the road, take a right and keep going until you see a large blue house. Though I have no idea how you're going to get there if you use that ship. I'd recommend walking"

"We've come for you Lord Stingdingdingdingdingworth" said Buggy. "Um... I don't like where this is going" said the author. "Grab him!" ordered Buggy.

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Buggy's ship, Back at the Grand Line...

Buggy had tied up the author in the dungeon of his ship. "What do you think of my ship author?" asked Buggy. "It's ok I guess, and could you call me Matt?" asked the author. "Look I dont really care about your name" said Buggy "I care about your writing skills. You see I seem to always lose to Luffy in stories and I've grown sick of it. I want you to right a story where I win" "And why should I?" said Matt. "If you do then I'll give you all the money in the world!" said Buggy. "Nice try Buggs" said Matt "But you know as well as I do that berries don't count as real currency in the real world"

"Put it this way" said Alvida "If you make a story about Buggy winning, Buggy fans will love it. Then you'll get _reveiws_"

Matt's head perked up. Alvida had said the words that could grab the attention of any author. "Re- re- reviews?" asked Matt. "Ten per chapter" said Alvida.

"No... no I couldn't..." said Matt "I... I... I'll do it..."

"Wonderful!" said Buggy "Cabaji! Grab the enchanted paper!" Cabaji walked up to Buggy and gave him a piece of paper.

"What the hell is that?" asked Matt.

"Enchanted paper" said Buggy "Whatever you write on this comes true. But it's been jinxed so that you can't write a story where I lose!"

"I wouldn't think of it" said Matt "By the way, why can't you guys just write the story?"

"We can't read or write" said Buggy.

"Makes sense" said Matt "Now untie me & I'll begin the story"

"Alright!" cheered Buggy "Let the story begin!"

To be continued...

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**I hope that you all enjoyed that. I'll be back with chapter 2 as soon as possible! See you then!**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Clown and the Author**

**Welcome to chapter 2 of my story folks! I'm glad that people seem to like it, also a quick note: Matt is me. I am the one helpng Buggy. I'll let you start the story now! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. But with my crack team of lawyers I will own it soon! Mwhahahahaha!**

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Buggy's Ship, The Dungeons...

Matt was in shackles while writing for Buggy. "First order of business" said Buggy "Take us to the Going Merry. NOW!"

"They don't have that ship anymore" said Matt "The King of Beasts is their current ship"

"Then take me to that ship!" said Buggy

Matt wrote "_And then Suddenly, The King of Beasts appeared right next to Buggy's ship_" then the writing faded.

Alvida Burst into the room. "Captain Buggy! The Straw-hat crew is right beside our ship!" said Alvida.

"Wonderful!" said Buggy "Young author, I need you to come up on deck with me in case I need you"

"I don't know..." said Matt.

"Reviews..." said Buggy.

"Alright I'll come!" said Matt.

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King of Beasts, on deck...

Zoro woke up wondering what the ruckus was outside. Zoro walked outside and saw Buggy's ship right next to theirs. "Guys, Buggy's back" said Zoro "We should take them out before they get annoying"

"Yeah" said Sanji as he walked out of the kitchen "I got dibs on battling the lion tamer"

"I think we should ignore them" said Nami as she walked out of her room.

"Your right" said Robin as she got off her deck chair and closed her book "They'll go away if we ignore them"

"Bring them on!" shouted Usopp from the look-out "The Brave Captain Usopp will take down everyone of them!"

"Go Usopp!" cheered Chopper, standing right next to Usopp.

"What's going on out here?" asked the newest member Franky as he came out from below deck "I was downstairs patching up the new ship and now we're in a different sea!"

"Hello again" said Buggy as he jumped onto the Merry Go "Good to see you all again. Now where's Luffy?"

"Who are you?" asked Franky.

"Who are you?" asked Buggy.

"Buggy, meet Franky, our shipwright" said Zoro "And Franky, meet Buggy, our annoying enemy"

"It's Supa to meet you!" said Franky "So you want Luffy? I'll get him for you"

Franky opened up the fridge built into his chest and pulled Luffy out.

"Why is Luffy in your fridge Franky?" asked Nami.

"I wanted to see if I could freeze him so future generations can be annoyed by him" said Franky.

"WAKE UP LUFFY!" screamed Nami as she whacked him in the head with her clima-tact.

"Wha?" said Luffy as he woke up "Oh, hi Buggy! How ya doing?"

"Once I beat you I'll be very well" said Buggy.

"Buggy, you never beat us" said Robin "What makes you think we'll lose this time?"

"Because I have him!" said Buggy as he pointed to the boy behind him.

"Hi, how ya doin?" asked Matt.

"Who's he?" asked Luffy.

"He's an author" said Buggy "Not just any author, but an author who's favourite villain is me!"

"Wow" said Sanji "I didn't know people like that still excisted"

"I'm not a fan" said Matt "I'm just addicted to reviews"

"So why should we fear him?" asked Zoro.

"Matt, show them why" said Buggy.

Matt wrote down something on a piece of paper and Zoro's sash turned pink.

"Crap" said Zoro as he pulled out his swords "Enchanted paper. I better take this guy out"

Zolo charged at Buggy and Matt at full speed.

"Do it Matt" said Buggy with a large smile.

"Please Buggy, no..." said Matt.

"Do it..." said Buggy.

"Fine" said Matt as he wrote something down.

Zoro's swords turned into rubber chickens.

"What the hell?" said Zoro as he lifted one right in front of his face.

"Buggy please..." said Matt.

"Write it" said Buggy.

"I'm sorry Zoro" said Matt as he wrote something down.

The chicken in front of Zoro's face turned back into a sword... and stabbed Zoro in the face.

"ZORO!" cried the whole crew.

"Ah, revenge is sweet" laughed Buggy.

"Take this!" said Luffy as his arm stretched out "Gomu Gomu Cannon!"

Luffy's arm punched Matt right in the face.

"I'm loving this!" said Buggy "I've killed the swordsman and I'm not the one who gets the blame! Matt, make Luffy get tied up in chains!"

"Very well" said Matt as he got up and wrote something down. Chains appeared from nowhere and tied Luffy up.

"Cabaji! Bring Luffy to the dungeons!" ordered Buggy.

"Yes Captain" said Cabaji as he dragged Luffy onto their ship and downstairs.

Buggy laughed. "Now Matt" said Buggy "Do your stuff"

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10 minutes Later...

Nami was trapped in a cage, Chopper was made into a stew, Robin was impaled to death with a poneglyth tablet, Franky was completly rusted and Sanji found the All Blue... and is sleeping with the fishes in the All Blue.

"Let's see..." said Buggy "I know that there's one more..."

"Yeah" said Matt "Usopp, wonder where he is..."

Suddenly the heard a yelp from the look-out. Buggy and Matt looked up to see Usopp trembling in fear.

"You monsters!" said Usopp "I'm going to teach you a lesson! I will take you out along with my 8000 men!"

Buggy began to laugh his brains out. "8000 men? You always say that you have 8000 men!" said Buggy.

"Not true" said Usopp "Last time I said 10000..."

Buggy looked down to see Matt writing somethng down.

"What are you writing?" asked Buggy as he swiped the paper.

"YOU!" shouted Buggy as he dropped the paper. It floated over to Usopp's feet and Usopp picked it up.

_"And for the first time ever, Usopp was telling the truth. Because from nowhere burst 8000-"_

"YOU TRY TO BETRAY ME!" shouted Buggy "THEN YOU'LL GO TO THE DUNGEON WITH LUFFY"

Buggy ordered Mohji over and sent Matt to the dungeons.

"Now to finish this off" said Buggy as he pulled out a dagger

To be continued...

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**Now I know what you're thinking. Killing off Zoro, Sanji, Robin, Franky and Chopper is the worst thing to ever be done in this website. But just keep reading and I promise you wont regret it! See ya next chapter!**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Clown and the Author**

**Welcome to the final chapter of the clown and the author! I apoligise again for killing off 5 of the characters. But just keep reading this story and I promise you won't regret it. Enjoy!**

**Dislcaimer: I dont own One Piece. If I did then Smoker wouldn't have been renamed in the english dub and he'd keep all of his cigars. In fact he'd have even _more_ cigars!**

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Buggy's Ship, The Dungeons...

Matt was writing in the dungeons with Alvida behind him with her mace. Mohji ran downstairs.

"Buggy wants the kid to make him 500 feet tall" said Mohji.

"You! Make him tall!" ordered Alvida as she jabbed Matt with her club.

Matt began to write something.

"And don't screw with him!" said Alvida "You may be able to make him lose but but you can still do other things!"

"Yes, Alvida I know already" said Matt "You don't need to tell me that everytime I get an order"

Matt wrote down "_Then suddenly, Buggy became 500 feet tall"_

A loud crashing noise was heard from outside. Cabaji burst in.

"Buggy changed his mind, he wants to be normal size" said Cabaji.

"Fine" said Matt as he rolled his eyes. "_Then Buggy went back to normal size"_

"Tell me Alvida" said Matt "The jinx on this paper, does it protect you?"

"No it doesn't" said Alvida.

"Does it protect Mohji, Cabaji or Ritchie?" asked Matt.

"No" said Alvida "Well, it protects Ritchie from been dropped off a large building"

"Fancinating" said Matt as he wrote something down.

"What are you writing?" asked Alvida as she grabbed the paper.

_"And for some reason, Alvida, Mohji, Cabaji and Ritchie poofed away to Antartica"_

"YOU!" shouted Alvida as she lifted her mace to smash Matt.

POOF!

Alvida vanished in a puff of smoke.

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Outside...

"WHAT THE HELL!" screamed Buggy as Mohji, Cabaji and Ritchie vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Uh..." said Usopp "Aha! That is the true power of the great captain Usopp! Leave this ship before I do away with you as well!"

"Is he telling the truth?" thought Buggy "This guy lies a lot. But how else could they disappear like that? Unless... no I doubt that. It must be needle-nose. I better take him out before he takes me out"

"DIE!" said Buggy as he pulled out a dagger and shot it at Usopp with hand.

"BARA BARA CANNON!" shouted Buggy.

"EEP!" screamed Usopp as he dodged the knife.

The knife went right past him and headed straight for Nami.

"Damn you Usopp!" screamed Nami as the knife charged at her.

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Back at the dungeons...

Matt laughed at what he had done.

"Now to stop the clown" said Matt as he grabbed the paper from the ground.

Suddenly, Luffy burst through the wall.

"Gomu Gomu Spear!" shouted Luffy as he smashed Matt in the face with his hands.

"Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?" said Matt "I'm trying to help you here!"

"You killed Zoro!" said Luffy.

"And um... I killed Sanji as well" said Matt.

Luffy eyes glinted a little brighter with anger.

"And um... Robin, Franky, Chopper and I'm pretty sure Nami and Usopp are dead as well" said Matt.

Luffy aimed his arms up for another attack.

"Luffy wait! I want to help!" said Matt "Let me write just one sentence. I may not be able to make Buggy lose but it doesn't mean I cant get him to leave. I just have to write that he wins and then everyone comes back to life when he leaves"

"Why should I trust you?" asked Luffy.

"Because you always trust people" said Matt "Don't I deserve a chance?"

"I guess" said Luffy.

"Thank you" said Matt as he raised a pen to the paper "By the way, how did you get out of those chains?"

"I'm not sure" said Luffy "I always just manage to escape"

"Interesting" said Matt as he wrote one word then shouted in pain.

"Whats wrong?" asked Luffy.

"My hand..." said Matt "I've got a serious hand cramp. You... you have to write the ending..."

"Ok" said Luffy as he went for the pen.

"Wait!" said Matt as he pulled the pen "I wasn't serious when I said I wanted _you _to write it!"

"Well who else is there?" asked Luffy.

"We could... maybe..." said Matt trying to think of someone, _anyone, _to write the story instead of Luffy "Well... fine. Luffy, but remember, only write up an ending where Buggy wins and then leaves. Then I'm sure my hand will be better, then I'll heal everyone"

"Deal!" said Luffy as he started to write.

Matt looked at what Luffy wrote when he was done.

"Perfect!" said Matt "Now he's forever trapped in a world of plot-holes and spelling errors!"

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Outside...

Usopp was running for his life from Buggy.

"Dont kill me! Dont kill me! Don't kill me! Don't kill me! DON"T KILL ME!" screamed Usopp in fear as he kept running.

Usopp kept running until he tripped. Buggy walked up to Usopp with a dagger.

"Don't kill me!" said Usopp "I'll do anything you want! I'll clean your entire ship! I'll make it squeaky clean!"

"Squeak!" said Buggy "SQUEAK!"

"Uh-oh" said Usopp as he realized that Buggy had misundersood something that had nothing to do with his nose.

"MY NOSE SQUEAKS YOU SAY?" screamed Buggy "JUST A RED SQUEAKY NOSE? YOU SHALL DIE!"

Buggy placed the dagger in between his fingers.

"BARA BARA CANNON!" shouted Buggy as he shot Usopp with his dagger-arm.

Usopp of course didn't survive the attack. Which is when Luffy's ending takes life.

_"Bugge laughed as he had doofeated everyone in the croo. "HAHAHA!" he laughed. And then for no raisun he climbed into a cannon and blasted himself away into the waiter."_

"The evil clown am winnining again!" said Buggy "I am the greetest! And now I'm leaving this chip, for no raisun!"

With that, Buggy climbed into a cannon on his ship and blasted himself away.

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The dungeons...

"My hand feels better now" said Matt "Let's go upstairs to heal everyone"

Luffy and Matt walked upstairs and boarded the Merry Go.

"Now this is nasty!" said Matt as he looked at the carnage.

"Ooh!" said Luffy as he went over to the Chopper stew "This looks good!"

"Stay away from Chopper!" said Matt as he began to write something.

"_For a reason that will not be explained, everyone came back to life. And Buggy's ship sunk to the bottom of the oceon"_

The words faded and everyone came back to life.

"Am I going to be let out of this cage!" screamed Nami.

"In due time" said Zoro.

"There's something I want to know" said Matt "I wonder what happened to Alvida, Mohji, Cabaji and Ritchie?"

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Somewhere in Antartica...

"Where are we?" asked Alvida.

"How should I know?" asked Cabaji.

"Look!" said Mohji "Rescue dogs!"

Alvida and Cabaji turned to see two pack-wolves in front of them.

"Grrrrrrrrrr" growled to first dog "Translation: I hunger for human meat"

"Grrrrrrrrrr" growled the second dog "Translation: I also hunger for human meat"

The two wolves advanced on the circus crew.

"I like where this is going!" said Mohji.

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Back at the ship...

Matt had gotten a life boat and boarded it.

"Goddbye my friends!" said Matt "I wish you good luck for the future!"

"Bye!" said said the crew.

"I have one thing to do before I leave" said Matt as he scrunched up the enchanted paper and threw it into the oceon "Farewell!"

Matt pulled out the sail and set off.

"I don't think that's the last we've heard of him" said Zoro "I think we'll meet again"

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Meanwhile, under the oceon...

Arlong, Hachan, Kuroobi, Chu and Mohmoo were walking across the oceon floor.

"Once we find the straw-hat crew we'll have our revenge!" said Arlong.

"How?" asked Hachan.

"I'm not sure yet" said Arlong "Any ideas?"

"What about enchanted paper?" asked Chu.

"Good idea" said Arlong "But even if we get enchanted paper, none of us can read or write"

"Look!" said Hachan as he pointed up "What's that up there?"

The Fishmen looked up and saw a piece of paper floating down.

"It looks like enchanted paper" said Arlong as he grabbed it "Good thing that enchanted paper doesn't get wet in water"

"We can use the paper to beat the straw-hat crew!" said Kuroobi.

"But we need an author first" said Chu.

Suddenly, Mohmoo's head perked up and pointed it's tail at a small ship above the group of mermen.

"A lifeboat? What's so important about that?" asked Hachan.

Arlong's saw-nose perked up

"I smell an author" said Arlong.

"So what should we do?" asked Hachan.

"AFTER THE AUTHOR!" shouted Arlong as he charged towards the lifeboat.

The End?

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**I hope you enjoyed that! Now I know what your thinking, and the answer is yes. I did make a reference to the futurama episode "The Day the Earth Stood Stupid". Also, something interesting is that techniclly, Buggy did win in this story, because he got revenge on the crew, even though they came back to life. So anyway, drive home safely, and for the love of God, reveiw!**


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